A colleague once wrote to me: ‘I had hoped I'd have some free time this week, but that didn't happen. Next week I'm at a conference. When will our schedules ever mesh?’ I stared at the message for a moment, puzzled.
What lunch? No one had suggested lunch. No invitation had been made. No date had been proposed. And yet, somehow, I had been recruited into explaining why a lunch that never existed had failed to happen.
For years, I assumed everyone appreciated these conversations. Apparently, many people do. They hear them as a gesture: I was thinking about you. I didn't forget you.
I hear something else. I hear the opening credits to a documentary called My Scheduling Struggles. I don't need to watch it. Tell me when you have Tuesday at noon. Or Wednesday morning. Or next month. Then I can answer.
What fascinates me is that this preference extends far beyond calendars. People often tell us about worlds that never came into existence. The book they almost wrote. The paper they nearly finished. The business they wanted to start. The trip they wished they had taken. The conversation they meant to have. These are perfectly real thoughts. But they are not yet part of reality.
I have discovered that my attention is drawn almost exclusively to realized worlds. Not because intentions don't matter. They do. But reality has a discipline that imagination does not. Reality requires choosing one Tuesday. Reality requires pressing ‘Send.’ Reality requires showing up. Everything else remains a branching possibility.
Perhaps this comes from engineering. A simulation that almost ran is not a result. An experiment that almost happened is not data. The explanation may be interesting, but it does not change the state of the world.
Some people maintain relationships through narratives of intention. I wanted to call. I almost had time. I've been meaning to... I understand what they are doing now. They are preserving connection. I simply preserve it differently. I don't need to witness your scheduling struggles. Just tell me when the lunch exists.
Then we'll find out whether our two realities intersect.
Not our two hypotheticals.